My life and career were ruined when I was called out for sexual harassment. I'm glad – I deserved it

Three months ago I was found out. During my career as a presenter and writer on YouTube my success gave me a sudden and unexpected degree of celebrity, which over time I came to exploit.

On occasion, when I felt sad for reasons I didn’t then understand, I would cheat on my long-term girlfriend by approaching fans and some of my own friends for explicit pictures via DM and Snapchat, often lying about my girlfriend and I being in an open relationship – and sometimes abusing the relative power of my celebrity in order to negotiate an initial No into a Yes.

After people began to comment on social media about my behaviour, I panicked. I confessed to my girlfriend and released an apology online, which was picked up by a number of newspapers. Overnight my life was ruined but now, three months later, I’m glad for being found out.

I had fallen into a spiral of compulsive behaviour. Over time my principles had been shorn away, and whenever I fell into a trough of low self-worth, the only way I thought I could cope was by manufacturing an instant gratifying boost to my ego. I was selfish, entitled, immature, and acting regardless of the feelings of the women in my life. I objectified them, made them feel uncomfortable and hurt them.

However, after my life shattered I finally began to tackle my deep-rooted emotional problems, and went into therapy. This has led me to a better understanding of myself and the motivations behind my actions. It’s also led me to understand something about men in general.

Since I released my statement I have received support from fans, not all of them men, and that support seemed to parrot the same sentiment over and over again. In short: “I don’t get it – you were just being a man.”

The way society sees men and masculinity has instilled in us the idea that men are trapped in some inherent, inescapable state of being “uncontrollable around women”, and that it’s biologically useless for us to attempt change. It’s reinforced on all sides, from men pre-emptively furious that their own behaviour might come under scrutiny; from decades of generous, forgiving, tired women; from hack cultural tropes; and from a plethora of easy aphorisms that have, until now, neutered potentially hard discussions.

The idea of men as emotionally inept dunces bewildered by all these urges and the reactions of women has benefited us for generations – but we’re smarter than that, and we know it. The majority of men are all too aware of physical and verbal cues and still make the choice to temporarily ignore them because we know that, by later pleading emotional ignorance, there’s an escape route built right into our gender. We need to admit that and stop accepting broad, populist excuses. We know what we’re doing.

Men are dogs, says society, and boys will be boys, what else can you expect? We should expect better. We should expect growth and change. We should not expect women to become immune to harassment, or become tolerant to male sexual entitlement.

The truth is that I knew I was spiralling. I wasn’t fully aware of what was wrong with me, but I knew something was wrong with what I was doing. I could have addressed the issue but I didn’t, until it was too late. Owning up to what I had done would have meant losing the love of my life, but more perniciously, it would have meant upending a status quo that, aside from intense periods of shame, I had enjoyed.

For the first time in a life of constant insecurity, I had leverage. Suddenly, I had the negotiating power – as I saw it – to turn a No into a Yes. I got to experience what more self-confident men than I had been “enjoying” for years, riding roughshod over what women wanted in pursuit of what I thought I could gain for myself, and I’m deeply ashamed that I indulged.

I can’t make right what I’ve done, and I don’t have the right to ask anything of women, but what I can do is make an urgent plea to men. We have the power to hold not just our individual selves but each other accountable, and we need to. The excuses aren’t going to work anymore.

Simply put: guys, we’ve been found out. Our trick has become known. We had a really long run – so long that, at a passing glance, it resembles all of time – but that’s over now. It has to be, because the potential for pain is so great, because it’s indecent and because it’s unfair. All the time we were “getting away with it”, it was at the expense of women.

Right now I am more emotionally healthy than I’ve ever been in my whole life, though I still have a lot more work to do. I’m thankful that my behaviour hasn’t been absorbed and normalised. Seeing everything I did writ large by the #MeToo movement has made me fully comprehend my part in a despicable status quo, and commit to change. However, I shall never forget, nor should I, that it took the infliction of so much unnecessary pain to get me to this point, and it doesn’t have to be this way for others.

Harassment and abuse excused by “immaturity” or “ignorance” can no longer be a quirk of our gender. We are faced with a choice: behave with decency and respect, and pursue only proper consent, or face the consequences and deserve them.