Yahoo News 
How to move on from an emotionally unavailable ex
A reader can't stop obsessively thinking about an emotionally unavailable man. He is a representation of old hurts that need to be addressed, says psychotherapist and Red's agony aunt Philippa Perry...
A year ago, I met a man and we were together on and off for eight months but our relationship was dysfunctional. His emotional unavailability and fear of commitment meant that his behaviour was often hurtful: lying, getting angry and defensive, making disrespectful comments about other women in front of me, and holding me at arm’s length. As a result, I spent the majority of my time an anxious, insecure mess.
My friends have said they’ve never seen me like that and hope they never do again. We broke up four months ago, but I still can’t get over this emotionally unavailable man, and think about him all day, every day. I have been on other dates and tried to train my brain to think of other things when he creeps into my mind. Every time I think I'm making progress, I bump into him and we end up talking about 'us', which just messes with my head again.
The truth is, what I really want is for him to tell me I am the love of his life and for us to live happily ever after. I don't understand why I feel this way when our relationship wasn't great. How do I forget about this man, when I really don't want to have to?
Philippa says: 'This man is probably not this man. This man is probably an old wound from your past, someone who apparently adored the socks of you, yet somehow never came through. Someone who should have been available but tantalisingly never was and never will be, because they were just not up to it. This man is just standing in for that old wound.
Now if you had someone in your family – perhaps a sibling, father or mother – who was always promising they’d give you the attention you craved but somehow always left you short, or maybe you had a parent who left, or who died when you were young, then you will be very vulnerable to this type of relationship dynamic.
It’s like your psyche has unfinished business and, if only you could get this man to step up, it would heal all those past hurts and rejection. That’s what you want, but realistically you know it isn’t going to happen; even if it did, he would definitely fall short.
He is unavailable to fully relate to, and I’m wondering, too, that if your style of attaching yourself to others is insecure rather than secure, whether this too is hampering you from having the attachment you need?
It may be that because you didn’t get the attention you needed as a baby or a child, when someone isn’t really there for you, it feels so right. When this happens, it’s because ‘right’ is getting muddled with ‘familiar’. I think it is likely that what became familiar to you is not what you need at all.
Now, I might be barking up the wrong tree, but whatever tree you are up right now, train yourself to climb down it and find another to scale. You can train yourself like a lab rat if you think it would work – wear an elastic band on your wrist; when you catch yourself yearning for this man, snap the elastic and pat yourself on the back for noticing it.
Something else that sometimes works with obsession is to set a timer at the same time each day and allow yourself 10 minutes of obsession, then no more. That way, you are controlling the obsession rather than being controlled by it.
All that energy spent obsessing about Mr Not-Worth-It could be used to find out what made you need this much. Keep a journal and work on it. Perhaps counselling would help you get more clarity. Maybe what you need to learn is: your type is not your type. Get to know another type.'
Like this article? Sign up to our new newsletter to get more articles like this delivered straight to your inbox.
You Might Also Like
