Pool peeves: does breaststroke in the fast lane get your flippers in a twist?

If there’s one thing, as a journalist, that I see a consistently enthusiastic reaction to, it’s when I invite people to grumble.

And nowhere are these grumbles more enthusiastic than among the chlorine and floating, discarded plasters of public pools.

I collected some common gripes from Australian and British swimmers by contacting swimmers themselves (of varying ability and pace) and via social media callouts.

Before long, I was playing dangerously unqualified aquatic therapist to some seriously grouchy water babies. Complaints flooded in via email, text message, WhatsApp and Twitter. Some were stream-of-consciousness style, each new complaint warranting its own message: “And another thing!” Others sent carefully crafted, essay-length prose. Many started with “OMG where do I start?” and “I have SO much to say.”

After drowning in pool peeves, I’ve resurfaced and am only too pleased to share with you the top pet peeves of our public pool swimmers.

Rage mainly occurs in the serious lanes which denote speed, and sometimes stroke too (some pools have a Medium Lane No Breast Stroke and a Medium Lane Breast Stroke permitted).

This is, of course, only self-selecting and anecdotal, not robust research I’m reporting on here. But from my small sample, some common themes emerged, and the clearest one was gender.

The majority said that men overestimate their speed and pick the wrong lane, whereas women underestimate theirs. Fast lanes seem to be dominated by men. Most men who contacted me seemed frustrated by the lack of speed of others, whereas many women were apologetic for their perceived slower pace.

Adam Ashton, who swims at Victoria’s Ashburton pool, said: “There’s definitely a power struggle in who goes to which lane, and I very rarely see a female join the fast lane.”

Over in Lincoln in the UK, Duncan French said: “There’s definitely a gender split. No man pauses to let you go in front of them; when I do, women especially are surprised. But no man says thank you.”

Meanwhile, Alys Gagnon, who swims in Melbourne’s Oakleigh pool, was self-deprecating about her pace: “I’m just eternally grateful to people who don’t seem to mind that I’m the slowest swimmer in the world. Conversely, I try super-hard not to get in the way of other swimmers.”

Tiffany Schafer-Howley, who swims in Sydney’s Andrew Boy Charlton pool, was similarly self-effacing: “I’m too slow for the slow lane. Get taken over by octogenarians.”

Kirsty Webeck, who swims in Melbourne’s Prahan pool, was in no doubt of the gender dynamics at work: “The lifeguard at my pool told me that men commonly overestimate their speed while women frequently underestimate theirs. He told me this as he was politely moving me into a faster lane.”

For Jacinta Richmond, from Australia’s Sunshine Coast, the pet peeve is the gendered power play: “Men who jump in your lane, when all of the other lanes are free. They want to overtake you, swim right up behind you. And if you move lanes, well, look at that, so do they.”

Pace was a recurring peeve. Sydney’s Peter Vincent said: “Everybody thinks they swim a lap 10 seconds quicker than they do. The slow lane is always emptiest. People are reluctant to be passed and speed up when someone tries to overtake – just like driving!”

Stroke was another common theme – namely, perceived inappropriate strokes. Ruth Chambers, who swims at Sydney’s Ian Thorpe Aquatic Centre, said “swimming backstroke (in the fast lane) with no idea how to keep to the correct side of the lane” was in her top five gripes.

For Chris Gibbons, who swims at London Fields Lido, it was a contravening of the stated rules that irked him: “Doing breaststroke in the fast lane, even when the fast lane explicitly says no breaststroke in the fast lane.” Sydney’s Benn Anderson recalls the time he “had words with a man who did butterfly in the fast lane.” And Shannon Power said: “If you’re doing a paddle or slow breaststroke in the fast lane, you don’t belong there, you’re slowing everyone down. It’s the absolute height of ignorance and selfishness that you don’t give a shit about anyone else. I bet people like that don’t even give to charity.”

Bugbears ranged from the concise – “hand slappers!” Carly Mowat texted, in a two-worded rebuke many sunbathers will share – to the funny. “At times in the day, so many people are wearing flippers and snorkels that it’s impossible to have a good swim without being overtaken every second,” Kirsty Webeck tweeted. “They’d take jet skis in if they could.”

But there were also more serious allegations. “Men who swim right up behind teen girls to see what they want to see,” Jacinta Richmond wrote, calling for swimming lanes and times segregated by gender: “Being someone who did laps daily, these are the issues that had me stop. I was less energised and more angry, and found myself getting out of the pool before I was done – I simply couldn’t stand it anymore.”

Rage has boiled over. I heard reports of swimmers splashing each other (the audacity!), expletives flying and even a flipper used as a weapon.

A potential solution is for more swimmers to be across the common etiquette. It was another one of the top fives peeves sent in by Chambers: “When I’ve made a swimmer aware that I’m behind them by a gentle touch on the ankle, they reach the end, don’t let me overtake, and keep swimming.” Several swimmers mentioned the ankle touch as part of the etiquette, signalling a polite desire to overtake, rather than the passive-aggressive impatience it could easily be mistaken for.

But Chris Gibbons, who visited Australia from the UK a year ago, thinks Australians have it easier: “At a recent London Fields Lido swim session, there were 60 of us over two lanes. London doesn’t have as many pools. You have them everywhere.”

That could be down to the temperature; he recently went swimming when it was 3C at London Fields Lido: “There’s something lovely about watching the steam rise off the heated pool in the dark,” he says.

The pool has let off steam and now so have the people.