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How to reconnect with your partner
It's natural to drift apart over time in a long-term relationship. Sometimes, distance can creep in when you're not even looking.
After 98% of you said you regularly feel disconnected from your partner in our Instagram survey, we decided to call in the experts, to give you practical tips to help you find your way back to each other.
This space can be small and subtle; it could be that you never kiss ‘hello’ anymore, or maybe you can’t remember the last time you spoke about something other than kids or chores or work. For others, this space can feel vast; you can’t recall when you last touched, or laughed together. Maybe you feel that the person you share a bed with – who you once memorised and knew by heart – feels almost like a stranger.
Realising that you have become disconnected from your partner can be a cause for concern, not least because loss of communication and intimacy are among the most common reasons for relationship breakdown. It can be tempting to cut your losses and look elsewhere for connection. But no matter how small or vast that distance might seem, there are steps you can take to reconnect, and emerge more in love than ever.
The first thing to remember is that periods of distance and dissatisfaction are normal. ‘There are many different reasons long-term couples might become disconnected,’ says intimate relationships expert Susan Quilliam.
A key one is starting a family, when your priorities shift from focusing on each other to caring for children. Then there are big life events, like promotions and redundancies, or grief and loss, that can trigger resentments, inequalities or gaps in understanding that can rattle the foundations of a relationship.
Yet the most common reason, says Quilliam, is the gradual disconnection that comes over time, crawling in quietly for no particular reason, ‘except that you haven’t been taking care of your relationship.’
According to Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Burnout and Come as You Are, the issue isn’t that there’s distance between you: ‘it’s that the space is not empty.’ ‘It’s full of hurt feelings, when you both felt rejected or self-conscious or worried,’ she says, even if they’re not always obvious.
The best way to bridge this gap is to reopen severed lines of communication and commit to rebuilding physical intimacy, so I asked the experts how to do it. After all, love is not necessarily lost forever – you just need to make the journey to find it.
How to tell if you have become disconnected
Susan Quilliam recommends asking yourself the following questions – answering ‘yes’ to any of them may suggest disconnection:
If you’re facing an emotional problem, would you rather turn to a friend than your partner?
Are restaurant meals or long journeys spent alone together filled with long silences or small-talk?
Do you often wish you were more ‘seen’ or ‘heard’ by your partner?
Does your mind typically wander when your partner is talking?
Has your sex life diminished noticeably in quality or quantity?
Is it easier for you to feel comfortable around your partner when others are with you?
Do interruptions, talking over, contradicting and overruling form a big part of the way you and your partner normally communicate?
12 STEPS TO RECONNECT
Switch to positive emotions
Before you can start addressing the disconnect, Quilliam suggests taking baby steps to re-establish positive communication. ‘Look at how many of your interactions contain negative emotions,’ she says. Perhaps they’re characterised by snapping and telling each other off. ‘Try to switch these interactions to positive emotions,’ she recommends. ‘Catch yourself being mean – defending and attacking. For a short time, just don’t. Make a conscious effort to be nice to your partner and they will be more motivated to connect with you, and you’ll feel better about them too.’
Have a period of peace
Even if your partner’s actions frustrate you, try to maintain this period of niceness for a few weeks – almost like having a peace treaty. ‘It’s not that you should never express your pain to your partner again, it’s just that he or she is not currently listening,’ says Quilliam. Avoiding unnecessary conflict and making a concerted effort to be nice will help you get onto solid ground.
Dedicate time to talk
It sounds cliched, but Quilliam emphasises the benefits of taking a weekend away to just talk. ‘In order to relax and bond sufficiently, research suggests you need three or four days to relax and be around each other, taking a break from other pressures, to talk in a way that makes you feel close,’ she says.
Work out your proof of love
Discuss how each of you expresses love, and feels loved in return, by using Gary Chapman’s famous love languages as a guide: quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. We often show love in the way we want to receive it, so understanding your potentially differing needs can be vital; you may value housework as an act of love, while your partner may need focused attention. ‘Remember love languages can change,’ reminds Quilliam. ‘So check in and update regularly on what you need.’
Unpack issues
Now you’ve established a safe, positive space for communication, it’s time to address what could be causing the disconnect. Start with a positive phrase, says psychosexual and relationship therapist Kate Moyle, like ‘I want us to feel closer’ or ‘I want this to work’ to cushion any problems you might need to raise. ‘Criticism will be met with defensiveness or attacking, and you’ll hit a wall straight away,’ she says.
Listen carefully
If you feel that things are getting tense and they’re not listening, turn all the attention on them. ‘Ask questions to help them understand what they’re saying and say nothing about yourself,’ Quilliam suggests. If they’re having a bad time at work, say things like, ‘your boss sounds terrible. How do you feel about that?’ instead of, ‘I don’t know why you allow your boss to trample over you’ or ‘I’m having trouble with my boss too.’ This is a magical way to change things, says Quilliam, ‘as they’re basking in the idea of feeling heard, they will get the message that they need to do this in return.’
Become nose-to-nose
In the early stages of a relationship, couples are what Charlotte Fox Weber, head of psychotherapy at the School of Life, describes as ‘nose-to-nose’. ‘You’re studying each other, you’re infatuated,’ she explains. ‘Then as time goes on, you become side-by-side – you spend time together but you’re not really engaging.’ Regain physical closeness by trying the 60-second game, once a week. ‘Look at each other and communicate non-verbally for 60 seconds,’ she says. ‘It can feel like a long time and you might laugh, but you start to notice things you haven’t seen before – new lines under their eyes, new vulnerabilities.’ Intense, focused eye contact can be incredibly powerful.
Touch in small ways
There’s a reason touching your partner is so important: skin-on-skin contact releases oxytocin, which makes you feel relaxed and safe. Work simple yet romantic touching into everyday life: ‘Kiss for five seconds in the morning when you’re saying goodbye, then increase to ten seconds,’ Moyle recommends. ‘It sounds minimal but it’s a small way of establishing longer contact.’
Reframe your ideas about sex
Many people feel disheartened with their sex lives because one partner wants sex more than the other. But it’s important to remember that there are two ways of experiencing desire. ‘Spontaneous desire is like a lightning bolt out of the blue, where you feel desire in anticipation of sex,’ Emily Nagoski explains. Many people experience this – especially men – but women overwhelmingly experience responsive desire instead. ‘This emerges in response to pleasure,’ she says.
Nagoski compares sex to going to your best friend’s party. ‘You say yes, because it’s your best friend, and it’s a party! Then as the date gets closer, you start thinking about the heavy traffic and hiring the babysitter and it seems less appealing. But once you get there, you have fun.’ Sometimes you can just put your party clothes on, and the enjoyment will follow. Then there’s the fact we’re often told there’s an ‘ideal’ quantity of sex you should be having for a happy and healthy relationship – but Nagoski says this is a myth. ‘Pleasure is the measure,’ says Nagoski. ‘It’s not about how often you do it, how many positions you do or even how many orgasms you have. It’s about whether or not you like the sex you’re having. If you’re having fun, you’re doing it right.’
Think about what sex is worth having
But what if you’re not having fun? Nagoski recommends thinking about your three favourite sexual experiences. Note down several factors: how were you feeling in yourself? What was your partner like? What was your relationship like? Where were you? What made that experience different? Then look at the commonalities between those experiences – perhaps they were all in slightly risky situations, or maybe they tended to be in the morning. Once you know what they are, you can begin to communicate these wants and needs to your partner.
Talk about sex
Discuss sex in a safe space, so not in the bedroom, or when you’re about to have sex. ‘We are so tender and vulnerable when it comes to sex, so you have to communicate delicately,’ says Nagoski. ‘None of us wants to hear we are failing in any way.’ If you want something to change, start by lavishing your partner with praise and compliments about all the things you enjoy about your sex life – or have enjoyed in the past. ‘Be very specific with your needs,’ says Nagoski. ‘Saying “I want to be more adventurous” essentially translates into “you’re really boring.” Be concrete and say what it exactly it is you’d want to try or do.’ Ask questions and be curious: what do they enjoy most about your sex life? What do they want more of?
Create space for sex
If you haven’t had sex for an extended period of time, you may have to start slow. ‘You’ve probably created a mutual avoidance of sex, where neither of you are initiating, so it won’t just magically happen,’ says Moyle. ‘Schedule time to spend with your partner and focus on physical intimacy and arousal. Give your partner a massage or just lie in bed talking.’ Don’t put pressure on yourselves to have sex – it shouldn’t feel like a chore. Instead, the touching will trigger your responsive desire and it’ll, hopefully, start to come naturally.
Don’t be ashamed to access help
If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, it could be beneficial to consult a third party. ‘Being in the presence of someone who is impartial and non-judgemental can really help,’ says Dr Limor Abramov, psychotherapist at Tavistock Relationships.
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