Yahoo News A satisfying sex life is the perfect stress buster – try these four things
When you’re feeling stressed, you might be tempted to turn away from your partner, but two new pieces of research have claimed that this is the last thing you should be doing.
Having sex with your other half three times a week is apparently the best stress-busting technique available, according to counsellor Tracey Sainsbury, who was speaking at last month’s Fertility Show at London’s Olympia.
Then, there’s the new survey from the company Naturecan, which claims that sex is best when energy levels are at their highest – ie, first thing in the morning. The research monitored couples in long-term relationships aged between 18 and 65: two thirds said sex in the morning was better, with 7.30am being the most preferred time.
Loving sex
“Think of loving, connected sex like medication for anxiety and stress relief,” says obstetrician Dr Ali Novitsky, founder of Exercising Intimacy, a programme which encourages deeper connection between partners via exercise and sex. “Sex releases ‘feelgood’ endorphins such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. It makes sense that people think sex first thing in the morning is a good idea. You are flooding your body with these chemicals as the first act of the day.” But it’s not just the physical act of sex, she says. “When you are emotionally connected to your partner, even more endorphins are released. Loving sex is the ultimate de-stress technique.”
Create a pleasure menu
Not in the mood in the mornings? Too tired for sex? Don’t panic, says Cate Mackenzie, a psychosexual and relationship therapist who runs workshops for couples on how to reconnect in the bedroom. “It doesn’t have to be full-blown intercourse for you to experience this de-stress response,” she says.
It’s also wise to remember that if you’re just after a quickie in the morning, says Mackenzie. “It can take up to half an hour for a woman to warm up and to build her arousal prior to penetration so her vagina will have more time to do something called “tenting” – a process by which the muscles in a woman’s body dilate when she’s excited,” she says.
Build arousal by stimulating the mind, suggests Mackenzie. Start erotic conversations. Ask questions like: What was your most erotic experience ever? What was your most sensual experience? “Take an opportunity to learn about your partner’s desire and what turns them on. Don’t make demands. Demands just create more stress, be playful, have fun.”
Get out of your head and into your body
“Because of a stressful lifestyle and stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline, many of my clients have a low sex drive,” says Ali Novitsky. “They feel guilty because they don’t want sex, then feel stressed even more by their partner’s desire for sex.”
She advises her clients to acknowledge and address their stress by measuring it on a scale of one to 10. “Seven and above, you will be so emotionally dysregulated that you probably can’t consider being intimate with your partner,” she says. “You need to be four or below.” To reach that point, Novitsky suggests using the “54321 technique”, which gets you out of your head and into your body. ‘You ground yourself in your senses. What five things can you see? What four things can you touch? What three things can you hear? What two things can you smell? What one thing can you taste?” This technique “trips the amygdala” – the bit of the brain which triggers the flight or fight response – and will decrease your stress, she explains.
Start flirting
Mackenzie is also a fan of getting in touch with the five senses. “As you embrace smells, tastes, touch, movement and appreciating beauty you feel alive, free and empowered,” she says. “You start to connect with your inner sensuality which defuses anxiety and stress almost immediately.”
Be aware that if your sexual advances are constantly rejected it can also create stress, says Mackenzie, because you can feel unloved and unwanted. How to remedy this? She suggests we start flirting. “You might think that flirting is only for singles,” she says. “But it is an important skill to keep up in relationships too. When we first meet, we often can’t get enough of each other. The other person seems totally ideal. As relationships develop, we tend to lose the ability to “play” and flirting becomes a thing of the past.”
Try maintaining eye contact, paying your partner a compliment, teasing them or texting them throughout the day. “Flirting is fun and dissolves stress and can lead to a very satisfying sex life – not just in the mornings,” she says.
“And when you have consistently satisfying and regular sex, you will be healthier, happier and less stressed. It has positive and spiralling effect.”
