The definitive 10 step business plan for The Apprentice's every episode

Ok, so it’s not exactly a business plan but as we’re now over halfway through the 11th series, there’s clearly a winning formula that SurAlan has been using. Here’s my version of it…

1. Firstly begin with a Dun du dhun dhun dhun ddhund hund hdudhu ndhun duh dun dunnn (this is the theme tune written to the best of my ability). Then recap the previous episode for what feels like a good 20 minutes, counting the number of candidates remaining in a seriously dramatic fashion.

2. Ring the house with a phone call that weirdly triggers everyone to be from sleeping to on task in less than 10 minutes.

3. Enter Sir Alan Sugar from his infamous AMS 1 Rolls Royce, then line up the contestants like a group of nervous school children.

4. Mention each candidate’s superiority to one another via copious amounts of boastful banter and debatable statements like this…

5. �� It has to fill an hour slot so cram with panning shots of London’s skyline to use time. Maybe focus more on the Shard as Canary Wharf was kinda squeezed out with the first 6 seasons.

6. Sadly Nick’s departure has left a frown shaped hole in our screens, so try to capture Claude doing a similar thing. Luckily at least 4 questionable business decisions will unfold so be sure to capture Karen’s response via a pursed lip or a look of despair at each of these.

7. After two solid days of battling to win the week’s challenge, give the winner a mediocre ‘treat’, abseiling down a high wall will do. Be sure to find the most average café in London and only supply them with polystyrene cups as they contemplate their failures before turning on each other like animals.

8. As the losing team re-enters the boardroom, only show a limb of the receptionist, we’ve kept the secret up this long, might as well keep going right?

9. Following a point of Sugar’s finger and the ‘You’re Fired’ remark, the next apprentice wannabe will leave the possibly 7 week plus long process, taking a pea sized suitcase with them.

10. Finish with the loser giving one last bitch in the back of a cab about the other contestants before stating their plans for world domination.