‘The White Lotus’ Season Finale: ‘These Gays, They’re Trying to Murder Me!’

We should’ve seen The White Lotus’ ending coming from a mile away. It was right in front of us the whole time! None of the guests were ever going to walk away having the best week of their lives (hell, one of them was going to end up in a casket), which leaves us just two people who did: Mia (Beatrice Grannó) and Lucia (Simona Tabasco), the two hookers living it up at The White Lotus Sicily.

Warning: Spoilers ahead for The White Lotus Season 2.

Though none of them end up dead—meaning they should take another vacation in Season 3—the “happily” married couples have a wild time in this finale episode. While Ethan (Will Sharpe) continues to question Harper (Aubrey Plaza) about whether she cheated on him with Cameron (Theo James), Daphne’s (Meghann Fahy) too busy FaceTiming her out-of-wedlock child to notice.

There’s that old saying, “Ignorance is bliss.” Daphne takes it a step further. “Mystery is bliss,” she tells Ethan (in more or less words) after he tells her he thinks their spouses cheated with each other. Harper has confirmed her brief affair to Ethan—she says they kissed for “two seconds” and that was all—so he tries to warn Daphne. In response, Daphne does the most calculating thing she can think of: She leads Ethan off to a secluded, romantic island and presumably sleeps with him. Great. Grand. I was nearly throwing tomatoes (San Marzano, of course) at my TV. And you know what? It fixes Ethan, who finally has sex with Harper just a few hours later after denying her all vacation.

Over to Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge), who is now frantically trying to escape a yacht full of gays who are trying to murder her. (Cue the endless memes—if there’s one thing worth criticizing The White Lotus for, it’s how these lines seemed purposefully manufactured for internet engagement.) Portia (Haley Lu Richardson) also begins to suspect that she’s been abducted, after Jack (Leo Woodall) whisks her away overnight and keeps procrastinating bringing her home. After she deduces that he also may have stolen her phone, she sneaks away with his to call Tanya.

Tanya reveals that she saw Jack “fucking his uncle,” Quentin (Tom Hollander), and Portia tells her what she learned from Jack the night before—that Quentin and the gays might be trying to scam her. Tanya realizes that her life is in danger, and that she has to escape these money hungry freaks somehow. She concludes that Quentin and her husband Greg (Jon Gries) are likely working together, since if she and Greg divorce, he only gets her money if she’s dead, according to their prenup.

After mobster Niccoló boards the yacht to “take her back to the hotel on his dinghy,” Tanya sprints from dinner and grabs his sketchy black duffel bag. Unboxing time! The contents include a black rope, duct tape, and a pistol. They were planning on killing Tanya, which would indeed give Greg (aka Quentin’s boytoy “Steve”) all her money.

The deaths are magnificent. Jennifer Coolidge fires a gun like no other human has—exquisitely, shaking, gorgeous. Though “these gays, they’re trying to murder me” is instantly iconic, I thought this one was equally hilarious: “There aren’t enough people out there who are worried about old buildings,” Tanya shouts, so nervous, while Quentin chatters on about how he needs money to pay for his estate.

But the gays’ deaths aren’t big enough. No, down goes Tanya. With the yacht littered with the dead bodies of everyone she just killed, she tries to escape on Niccoló’s dinghy. But she hits her head on the side of the boat when she tries to jump and drowns. While I did love the return of Tanya this was a wonderful swan song to our beloved Peppa Pig. Sweet, sweet Tanya. (Now, Greg still gets the money, because she’s dead! Ugh!)

Portia, meanwhile, is dropped on the side of the road by an airport by Jack, who becomes menacing and threatening when Portia tells him that she’s on to him—and knows about the uncle-fucking. It turns out he did steal her phone.

‘The White Lotus’ Star Theo James Says His Character Would ‘F*ck Anything and Everything’

Back at The White Lotus hotel, where our Di Grasso boys have one final meal together, Albie (Adam DiMarco) has made a deal with his father. If Dominic (Michael Imperioli) pays Lucia, his hooker girlfriend, the 50,000 euros she said she needs to escape her pimp,Albie will tell his mother that his father has spent the whole trip missing her, perhaps salvaging their relationship. Albie calls this “karmic payment.”

Well, Dominic acquiesces. Lucia snags a fat paycheck from Cameron, who finally settled his bill for their steamy night together, and Dominic. Even though Albie pleads with her to visit Los Angeles, she sneaks out of his hotel room and ghosts him. Even if their connection was real and Lucia had feelings for him, he was still a mark and she played him. Meanwhile, bestie Mia secures a singing gig at The White Lotus after she agrees to sleep with Valentina (Sabrina Impacciatore)—or, at the very least, help get her laid.

In the end, we get two brilliant scenes that prove love is real! While flying back home, Albie runs into none other than Portia at the airport. On the verge of a nervous breakdown wondering what happened to Tanya (and wearing the most heinous scarf and sunglasses), Portia asks Albie for his phone number. Maybe take a beat, guys. This whole dating thing isn’t really for either of you. Nevertheless, it’s a masterful way to wrap their chaotic arcs full of scamming and deceit.

Finally, we get to see Mia and Lucia traipsing through Sicilian streets, blissful as ever. Go get some dinner, girls. Buy all the clothes in every Sicilian boutique you can find. You’ve earned it. Unlike the first season of The White Lotus, we actually get to end on some relief for the service workers of the world.

The Five Guests We Want to See in Season 3

Tanya returned for Season 2 of The White Lotus. So, instead of predicting who’s going to die, we’re going to predict who’s going to have a new life in the next season of the show.

1. Daphne: Please, lord, give us more Meghann Fahy. Not only does she deserve an Emmy, her standout performance echoes the revelation that was Jennifer Coolidge in Season 1. Bring her back—maybe on a sexy escapade with her secret gym boyfriend.

2. Bert: F. Murray Abraham gave another great performance in The White Lotus Season 2. Bring back the farting. Bring back the weird comments about women. This guy was iconic.

3. Greg: Only so we can see him die.

4. Albie and Portia: Let’s see them on their honeymoon! I want to see these little weirdos flirting at a ski lodge or something. What’s Twitter going to look like without the discourse over Portia’s doofus outfits?

5. Mia and Lucia: I love them so much. Lucia should use her new fortune to buy a getaway for herself and Mia. Even better: Mia can get The White Lotus friends and family discount from Valentina.

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