Why the World Cup is an ideal time to find love

The World Cup is in full swing and the nation is at fever pitch. Partly because we only squeaked in a last-minute goal against Tunisia and Dele’s an injury concern; partly because all that talent and tension and theatrics is getting us hot under the collar. Sure, you can get animated about our chances in the knockout stages but you’re more animated by the shorts, which you could swear are getting shorter.

This, admittedly, is not very enlightened. But instinct does not always keep pace with prevailing orthodoxy: it is 2018 in reality but our loins are pitched somewhere more prehistoric. Plus, the shorts are just that third pint talking: really, it is the flair and the free-flowing emotions, the dives and the drama and the sheer animalism of the gladiatorial grudge matches that’s set the capital on heat.

And we are: stats released by Tinder this week show we’re scoring off the pitch. Since the tournament started the app reports a 66 per cent rise in matches, 42 per cent rise in right swipes and 24 per cent increase in passporting, a feature allowing users to change location and leapfrog anywhere in the world to find a sexy pen-pal with whom to swap match reports.

Though, for a change, it’s offline as well as online: in pubs people are throwing their arms around each other (consensually) after goals and starting IRL conversations. Yesterday, in a beer garden in Clerkenwell, you started speaking to a real human, and could swear that person was, possibly, flirting with you. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened since the advent of dating apps, so instead of responding with something droll — eye cocked, lip curled — you bolted for the loos and tried to find them on Happn.

Don’t worry — unlike England, you’ve got until July 15 to score. It’s summer, and the loving is easy: this is how to win the World Cup.

Tinder tourists

You have long affected exhaustion with Tinder — you have a theory that the people are getting uglier — but at half-time during Monday’s England match, drunk on the atmosphere (and the alcohol), you tapped the app, just to see what was “going on”. Maybe it was the high spirits talking (or the alcohol) but suddenly you were reinvigorated.

Everyone you encountered was golden: the profile pictures crisper, the bios sparkling, the repartee engaging. The nation’s mood was carnivalesque.

You assumed it would be a one-off: an aberration on a Monday evening, never again to be repeated. Nonetheless, curious, you switched on again the next evening — only to find the same.

Something about the tournament has sharpened our senses — the games have raised our game. Perhaps it’s the sight of people at their professional zenith; perhaps because we have nothing else to do. Run with it — this could be your shot at the goal of true love.

Set a reminder for the 7pm game and whet your wits: you’ve got 90 minutes in which to impress. Apprise yourself of team trivia and news from the respective camps. By the end of the tournament you should be a wildcard entry to manage any team in the competition. Also, engaged — or at the very least “official”.

First dates

You have arranged a date, and while you’re not ordering the joint stationery quite yet, you are daring to hope. You have not felt flutters like this in a while — Monday, to be precise, when England kept squandering chances in the box — and duly, the stakes are high.

Here, again, is where football can save you. For taking someone to a pub to watch a World Cup game is the date that keeps on giving. In any given boozer just before the 7pm game there will be a rent-a-crowd of exuberant fans in the corner (atmosphere — tick) and deals on pints (buy five, get your sixth free!).

There will be bunting and flags and posters of strapping footballers everywhere, the coverage will be scored to ambitious, dramatic music — close your eyes and you have basically taken your date to the opera. The commentary will be banal — it will take little for you to seem impressive by comparison. After exciting goals, as the crowd bombs around the pub with abandon, the atmosphere will be tactile and sexy — when you look into each other’s eyes you will feel the frisson of Something.

Get around the world

The best managers are master tacticians: you could be one too. Specifically, if you were so inclined, you could tailor your search for love according to the results of an only quite tasteless survey conducted by the sex toy brand LELO.

After conducting a global sex survey of more than 70,000 21- to 55-year-olds, it reports that the Swedes rate themselves as the best lovers, with the Colombians and Mexicans second and third respectively — it would only feel slightly predatory to rejig your search for love accordingly. Incidentally, only five per cent of Belgians rate themselves highly as lovers — which is, if nothing else, ammunition for heckling their team during its fixture with England next Thursday evening.

The Brazilians are reputedly inveterate orgasm fakers (72 per cent report a sham performance), while Colombians are “the champion cheats” (72 per cent admit to playing away), followed by Swedes , Argentinians and Spaniards.

The Portuguese have the most stamina for an extra-time tussle: more than 36 per cent of those surveyed can — apparently — last at least 46 minutes. In Australia, 43 per cent can’t last longer than 20 minutes, which won’t surprise anyone who’s ever hooked up with one on a backpacking holiday.

Men of the match

If you’re getting nowhere — or are happily in a monogamous relationship — then you can content yourself with a crush. Teamsheets across the world are full of players worthy of your affections: fearless free-kick takers, intuitive goalkeepers, brooding managers whose minds you just want to climb inside.

Take Senegal manager, Aliou Cisse, a former Portsmouth midfielder and an extraordinarily handsome man who took the West African team to an unexpected victory against Poland on Tuesday afternoon, and became a meme in the process: his celebration, a triple fist pump, delighted all corners of the internet. Men of the zeitgeist are worthy crushes.

Sadly, Morocco have been expunged from the World Cup after losing to Cristiano Ronaldo on Wednesday evening, as their manager Hervé Renard had become quite the sensation — or, in the earthier words of The Cut, “People are horny as hell for Morocco coach Hervé Renard.”

Mercifully, we still have France striker Olivier Giroud — who’s starting to make an impact on the pitch — though to be frank, simply knowing he’s there warms the heart and loins. Mexican winger Hirving Lozano is now “one to watch” after putting one away — moreover, it was against the old enemy Germany, so he’s worthy of a place in your heart.

Though PSA for German fans: defender Mats Hummels looks like a safe pair of hands, pun very much intended.

Obviously, you reserve a soft spot for Prince Harry (Kane), scorer of both our goals on Monday, and spirited cutie-pie Dele Alli.

Oh, and Australia’s Mile Jedinak has also done the double — first against France, second against Denmark — and has a brooding lumbersexual aesthetic that complements his intuitive flair.

Don’t stop fantasising: it could be a match made in heaven.