AI is outperforming students – and worryingly, I can prove it

Yes AI, the whizz-kid prodigy of the digital age, is proving to be the more diligent pupil, outshining human counterparts with a dazzling display of intellect and efficiency. In the grand arena of exams, where mere mortals falter under the pressure of cramming and last-minute revisions, AI saunters in, cool and collected, its algorithms executing calculations with the precision of a Swiss watch, churning out essays that would make Shakespeare green with envy, and solving complex problems at the speed of light. While students pore over notes, struggle with anxiety, and occasionally resort to prayer, AI tackles each question with relentless accuracy.

Dear Readers if you’re still sceptical, I’ll let you into a secret; AI wrote that. Seriously; I typed in “write 300 words in the style of Daily Telegraph columnist Judith Woods about how AI outperforms students in exams” and this is what it came up with. Not bad albeit rather laboured and the Shakespeare reference was hopelessly lame. I would have name-checked Michel de Montaigne, the 16th century Frenchman who invented the art of essay writing – but then, as AI itself points out, that’s why homo sapien has the edge on technology. Just.

“Before we start imagining a dystopian classroom where robots replace students, let’s consider the implications. AI’s prowess lies in its vast, instantaneous access to information and its ability to process this data without error. In contrast, human students bring to the table creativity, critical thinking, and a flair for the unpredictable – qualities that no machine can replicate. Exams, traditionally designed to test rote learning and analytical skills, are being mastered by AI because they play to its strengths.

However, the very essence of education extends beyond the confines of exam halls. It encompasses the messy, exhilarating journey of discovery, debate, and personal growth. AI, for all its brilliance, cannot experience the joy of a eureka moment or the satisfaction of overcoming intellectual adversity.

So, while we marvel at AI’s exam-room heroics, let’s not forget that true education is a tapestry woven with human experiences, emotions, and the invaluable ability to think outside the algorithm. For now, students can breathe a sigh of relief – they may be outscored by AI, but the heart and soul of learning remain firmly in human hands.”

So there we have it. I can’t decide if it’s more terrifying or creepy. But hey, want to know how I feel about women over 50 who wear bikinis?

“To my mind, the question itself reeks of outdated sensibilities and ageist undertones. In an era where Helen Mirren and Christie Brinkley defiantly don bikinis with panache, it’s clear that confidence and joie de vivre have no expiration date. Why should a woman, upon reaching a certain milestone, feel compelled to swathe herself in more fabric than strictly necessary? Embracing the bikini is less about youth and more about owning one’s body, curves, and scars alike. So, let us raise a glass to all the fabulous fifty-somethings who, with a flick of sunscreen and a flourish of bold lipstick, remind us that life—and style—truly begins whenever you damn well please.”

Crikey! Especially as that took less than four seconds to appear on my screen. There’s more. My pensées on July 4? “As the nation stands on the precipice of change, the election has morphed from a mere democratic exercise into a veritable clash of titans, with each candidate vying to capture not only votes but the very essence of Britain’s future.”

Entre nous I thought I was simply bored of the whole shebang like the rest of the country so it’s great to know I have an opinion. And finally folks; here’s Judith Woods on the subject of wedded bliss: “Marriage, in its most splendidly maddening form, is a dance of perpetual compromise, where love waltzes with exasperation in an eternal tango.”

That’s my job gone for a Burton. Sure, I’m flattered – but mostly frightened – that science fiction has just become science fact at the touch of a keystroke.